I Refused to Babysit for My Dad and His Wife While We’re Not on Complete Speaking Terms and Now Everyone Is Questioning Me
It’s jarring when a parent starts treating you like their unpaid backup plan. That’s the heart of one Reddit poster’s story: a 19-year-old who grew up in a toxic household, moved out at 18, kept contact low, and is now being pressured by his dad and new stepmom to babysit their young children while she receives regular dialysis. When he said no, he was accused of being selfish, reminded that “they’re my family,” and told he has a duty to help. The poster asked the subreddit if he was in the wrong, and the replies were overwhelmingly blunt.
The full backstory: years of tension and a careful distance
The original poster (a 19-year-old male) explains his childhood was defined by a super toxic marriage. Both parents were “equally as bad,” and the arguments and resentment made life at home miserable. The marriage ended when he was 15, at that point he found alternating between two homes less stressful than living with two people who hated each other. He left both houses for good on his 18th birthday and spent months couch-surfing with friends until they were old enough to get a place. Since moving out he describes his relationship with both parents as low contact rather than no contact: he doesn’t initiate conversation, but usually answers when they call, and they don’t call often.
What his dad asked, and why it felt like manipulation
When he was 17, his dad remarried. His dad’s new wife brought a child into the home and later had another baby with his dad. The stepmom has kidney issues and needs dialysis several times a week; the dad works during those hours. The couple asked the poster to babysit their kids on the days she has treatment. He refused. They persisted, asking him to do it once a week because they found other help on the other days; he still said no and told them to stop asking.
His dad’s reply was sharp: he told him “they’re my family and my siblings (I don’t call them that btw, this is what he said) need me,” and criticized the poster as selfish for not helping during a time of “true medical need.” The stepmom escalated the guilt tactic: she called him from the hospital and said she and his dad had had to use a food bank to feed the kids because their money went on a sitter, and that their money had been spent because her brother had refused to babysit while she was “getting her body put through hell.” She also pointed out that he answers his dad’s calls sometimes and therefore should be willing to help.
Why this situation is so emotionally charged
There are several hard-to-reconcile realities here. On one hand, the stepmom is sick and the family is struggling financially; that evokes empathy. On the other, the poster’s history with both parents is defined by neglect and toxicity, leaving meant protecting his mental health. The central tension is whether filial obligation overrides self-protection and boundaries. The dad’s argument, that continued contact equals ongoing duty, ignores the poster’s right to choose how much he engages with people who failed him as a child.
There’s also a power dynamic at play: the family is using emotional pressure (food bank, illness, “true medical need”) to elicit unpaid labor. For someone who escaped a toxic household, that’s not just inconvenient; it can feel like being pulled back into the very patterns that drove them away.
What Reddit said, blunt, protective of boundaries
The comments leaned hard toward supporting the poster. One top reply, from u/mdthomas, put it simply: “Not your children, not your responsibility. NTA.” Other commenters urged him to stop picking up his dad’s calls as a clear boundary, “If that’s how they feel, stop answering your dad’s calls,” one wrote, and reminded him “you owe these people nothing.”
Several people emphasized the financial and parental accountability angle: parents chose to have children and are responsible for arranging childcare, not a grown child who distanced himself to protect his well-being. A common sentiment was that the family was trying to draw him into unpaid childcare and emotional labor through guilt. One commenter summarized the situation by saying the parents’ choices, remarrying, expanding the family, and not planning for care during medical treatments, don’t justify coercing a son into babysitting.
What the poster can do next, boundaries that aren’t cruelty
There are practical middle grounds that preserve self-respect and respond to the situation constructively. He can keep his low-contact stance and refuse the babysitting request firmly and without argument. If he wants to be compassionate without being exploited, he could offer to help in other ways that don’t pull him back into a caregiver role: assist in finding paid childcare options, share information about local medical transportation or community resources, or limit help to emergencies only and put a clear cap on expectations.
If the calls routinely lead to guilt trips, he might indeed stop answering for a while; several Redditors recommended exactly that as a signal his boundary is real. If he does choose to help at all, he should negotiate compensation or a clear schedule so it isn’t an open-ended obligation. And if this behavior is repeated despite boundaries, going no-contact would be a defensible next step.
What To Take From This
This isn’t about who’s “right” in a moral vacuum, it’s about emotional safety and responsibility. Families can ask; they can even beg. They cannot demand unpaid labor simply because someone once shared a DNA or a roof. The poster’s years of low-contact and the toxic history give context to his refusal: preserving mental health is a legitimate reason to set limits. At the same time, sickness and poverty in a family can be devastating, and compassion doesn’t have to mean capitulation.
Bottom line: boundaries aren’t cruelty, they’re survival. The next move should be intentional, whether it’s a firm “no,” a reduced-contact period, or a narrow, paid, and scheduled offer to help. And if words fail, actions do the communicating: stop answering calls, stick to the boundary, and don’t let guilt be the currency that buys your time and peace.
