I’m Thinking About Messaging My Partner’s Friends to Say They Can’t Use My Pool After He Already Invited Them and Now I’m Wondering If I’d Be the Bad Guy
You wake up to a text that your boyfriend invited his buddies to “use your pool.” Except it’s not your private pool, it’s the community pool in front of the house you live in with your parents, gated by a key fob, hot tub controls and public restrooms. You’re already on a rough patch with your partner, you don’t like these people, and one of them canceled plans at their own job to make the trip. That’s the exact pressure-cooker moment u/Expensive-Act-3314 posted about on Reddit, and it landed in a way that felt violating, messy and totally relatable.
Exactly what happened, told plainly
The poster and her partner have been together about a year and a half but are “not on good terms” right now and don’t live together. He told her he intended to invite some friends to the pool either that day or the next and asked if she could let them in. She didn’t give a yes, she said she’d be out of the house instead. The friends didn’t show up that night, and in a later conversation she told him she wasn’t comfortable with them coming over; he said he understood.
Then he called the next day to say they were coming anyway. One of the friends’ girlfriends had already called off work so she could join. The poster explains she’s never liked this particular group of friends, she’s tried to be cordial around them but has made clear they’re not her friends. Because the pool is community property that requires a key fob to enter and turn on amenities, she worries about responsibility, family embarrassment, and being put in the middle because her boyfriend is essentially using her access without permission.
Her question to the sub: would she be the asshole if she personally messaged the girlfriend who called off work to tell her her boyfriend never asked permission, they’re not on good terms, and she’d feel uncomfortable with them coming over right now?
Why this feels so personal, and infuriating
This isn’t just about a splash in the sun. It’s about boundaries, agency, and respect in a relationship that’s already on shaky ground. The poster lives with her parents; the pool access is tied to residency. If non-resident guests cause trouble, the resident, and by extension the family, could face complaints or fines. Having friends who know the key fob exists and assume they can use it because the boyfriend promised puts the poster in a position of bearing the fallout for someone else’s invitation.
There’s also the emotional sting. If you’ve told your partner you don’t like certain people, then they go ahead and invite them anyway, it reads as disregard for your feelings. Add the fact someone canceled work to make the trip, and it feels like these friends are being prioritized over your comfort. That kind of disrespect is why this escalated from a small annoyance into a potential relationship dealbreaker for many readers.
What Redditors said, blunt, varied, and mostly on the poster’s side
The top comments leaned hard toward defending the poster’s right to say no. u/SufficientProject273 made the logistical point: “So the pool is in fact NOT your pool, but a community pool for the residents and their guests. You are a Resident. But they are in fact NOT your guests. NTA. You let them in you AND your parents are responsible for anything they do.” That summarizes the liability concern that kept recurring in replies.
Others urged a more dramatic response: u/vaalski said, “Call them, rescind the offer, and dump the guy. NTA.” u/Teamtunafish wrote, “NTA. This is a one veto situation. It’s your house. He gets no say.” A few comments suggested steps that would avoid direct confrontation: u/EmptyStyle244 suggested simply “don’t message them,” implying that not engaging could be the calmer route.
Not everyone focused only on the guests. Some comments targeted the relationship dynamic, with u/Truebeliever-14 calling it clear exploitation: “He and his friends are using you, don’t let them get away with it. Dump and block.” Other commenters pushed for personal boundary work: u/Regular_Boot_3540 bluntly suggested the poster should have asserted this earlier and “grow a spine” about telling her partner he can’t invite people to “your house.” Practical logistical questions also came up: u/Aggressive-Angle2160 recommended not handing over the key fob and checking community rules, noting that some places limit guests or require tenants to be present.
How to handle the moment without making it worse
This can be sorted into two parallel problems: the immediate guest situation and the larger relationship pattern. For the immediate issue, the cleanest options are low drama and clear boundaries. Tell your boyfriend explicitly that he can’t invite people over without your consent, and ask him to call his friends and cancel. If you don’t trust him to do it, tell the girlfriend directly, or don’t, depending on how much confrontation you want. Several commenters supported rescinding the “invitation,” while others suggested letting the boyfriend take responsibility.
Before you message anyone, check with your parents about whether they’re comfortable with the guests and whether you’re allowed to refuse entrance. Don’t hand over the key fob. If you open the gate, you and your family could be the ones blamed for anything that happens, and Redditors were unanimous that liability is part of the calculus.
For the broader relationship problem, this is a red flag test. Repeatedly ignoring your boundaries, especially about who you allow into your space and when, is emotional disrespect. Whether it leads to breaking up, a serious boundary-setting conversation, or couples counseling is up to you, but the poster’s frustration resonated because it’s about being taken for granted.
What To Take From This
This story landed because it combines petty social etiquette with deeper issues of respect and responsibility. You have a few practical moves: don’t give out the key fob, check house rules with whoever is actually the resident, and insist your partner cancel his guests or do it yourself if you prefer. Emotionally, notice whether this is a one-off inconsideration or part of a pattern where your comfort is routinely overridden. Reddit’s consensus was clear: you have the right to veto who uses your access, and you don’t owe anyone a favor that costs you peace of mind.
If you do decide to message the girlfriend, keep it short and factual: explain the situation, say you won’t be allowing access tonight, and ask her to confirm she’s canceled. If you want to avoid escalation, ask your partner to make the call. Above all, use this small crisis to test a bigger question: does your partner respect you enough to protect your boundaries, or will you be cleaning up other people’s invitations forever?
