A Wife Is Thinking About Asking for a Separation After Years Together and It’s Stirring Tension
A Reddit user with the handle u/East-Education730 posted to r/AITAH asking a question that landed somewhere between desperation and a plea: “WIBTAH for asking my husband for a separation to try and better myself and my kids life?” She laid out a seven‑year marriage that, by her account, has unraveled into one person doing everything while the other withdraws, and at the heart of it, a husband who has stopped contributing and is blaming intimacy for why he isn’t pulling his weight.
Her post, which earned hundreds of upvotes and nearly 150 comments, is starkly specific. She is 31, he is 38, and they have three children, ages 6, 4 and 2. They met when she was 14 and he was 21, split, dated other people, then reconnected when she was 21 and he moved into her house. Earlier this year he lost his job. She says she is the only one working now. According to her post, he won’t apply for jobs she points out as hiring, won’t take care of the house or the kids, and when she asks for counseling or help conversations, “just start a fight.”
What she said: specifics that made readers squirm
She gave concrete examples of how conversations derail. When she asks him to do something around the house, his response, as she reported it, is to smexualize the request: “well you don’t give me enough smex” or “well maybe if you gave me a below once in a while.” Those are the words she used to explain how he deflects responsibility.
Her question was simple: would she be the jerk for asking for a separation so she could try to improve life for herself and their children? The post reads like the raw ledger of someone exhausted by unpaid domestic labor, financial pressure and emotional manipulation.
Why the replies were so fierce
Reddit’s reaction was swift and overwhelmingly unsparing. Top comments told her she shouldn’t waste time on a trial separation, go straight to divorce. One commenter, u/CharlesCBobuck, said: “Skip separation and go right for divorce. Dude sounds like a d head.” Another put it bluntly: “This is not a great example of marriage to be showing your children. He’s a user and an incompetent husband. Get out of this situation. It can only get better.”
People were not just angry about his laziness. The age gap and the fact they met when she was 14 and he was 21 sparked ethical outrage. A commenter, u/BasicRabbit4, called that history “Mandatory ew” and described the dynamic as deeply unhealthy, calling out how a 21‑year‑old pursuing a 14‑year‑old is disturbing even before marriage dynamics are considered.
Others homed in on the smexualized deflection: several commenters pointed out the classic pattern of a partner blaming the “dead bedroom” for not contributing and using smex as leverage. u/ShrellaJS explained that men will sometimes blame lack of intimacy to avoid domestic responsibilities, and recommended an ultimatum, not in the sense of manipulation, but to set boundaries that protect the exhausted partner.
The hard, practical realities she’s facing
This isn’t just an argument about feelings. The poster describes being the sole earner for a household with three small children while handling the majority of childcare and chores. Financial strain is acute when one parent loses employment and refuses to seek work while also refusing to do the unpaid labor that keeps a home functional.
The emotional toll shows in how counseling requests turn into fights; when help itself is contested, options narrow. A separation would mean sorting out childcare, income, housing and legal considerations, all while parenting toddlers and preschoolers. Reddit commenters acknowledged that reality and urged action, not passivity: “NTA and I think it’s obvious why,” one top reply said, and others pleaded with her to prioritize safety and sanity for herself and her kids.
Options, gently framed: what she might consider next
If you’re mapping this onto your own life, there are concrete steps she could take without reckless drama. First, document: keep records of job loss, refusal to apply for roles, financial contributions and any abusive or coercive language. Second, get a safety and financial plan in place, know your monthly costs, where to go if you leave, and what paperwork you’ll need for custody or separation. Third, seek support: a trusted friend, family member, or local domestic services can help with childcare, temporary housing, or referrals to family law clinics. Fourth, counseling for herself and the kids can provide emotional stabilization even if couples counseling isn’t possible right now.
Legally and financially, many commenters urged her to consult a family law attorney or local legal aid to understand custody and support implications before moving out, but also noted she shouldn’t remain trapped by fear of the unknown. The chorus in the thread was clear: her mental health and the kids’ wellbeing are more important than preserving a marriage that’s no longer functional.
What To Take From This
This Reddit thread is painful because it is familiar: the slow slide from partnership to unpaid labor, the weaponized smexuality that shames the exhausted partner, and the additional ethical questions that age gaps and early relationships can raise. People reacted not only because they were outraged on her behalf, but because they recognized how quickly the daily grind can become demeaning and dangerous.
If you see yourself in her story, the key takeaway is that inertia is a choice that usually preserves the status quo to the detriment of the caregiver. You don’t have to rush into a decision, but you do owe yourself clarity. Gather facts, build a safety net, get independent advice, and put your children’s and your own wellbeing first. If someone responds to reasonable requests for help with humiliation, coercion, or silence, you have permission to set boundaries that protect your life and your kids’ future.
