15 Funny Things People Do When They’re Stuck Behind a Slow Walker
You’re strutting down the sidewalk, playlist on point, and then—bam!—you hit the human speed bump. Suddenly, you’re trapped in a real-life slow-mo scene, and your patience is about to get a full-body workout.
We’ve all been there: stuck behind someone moving at the pace of a dial-up internet connection. Let’s take a hilarious look at the weird things we do when someone ahead of us is walking like they’re sightseeing on the moon.
Sigh dramatically and check your watch like you’re on a tight schedule
You slow down just enough to make your sigh echo through the hallway. It’s the kind of sigh that says, “I could be starring in a drama right now.”
Then, you glance at your watch—twice, maybe three times. Even if you’re just timing how long it takes for your soul to leave your body.
Plot your revenge by imagining them stepping on a Lego
As you shuffle behind them, your mind goes to a dark, but oddly satisfying place. You picture them stepping on a LEGO brick.
You can practically hear the yelp and see the hopping. It’s petty, it’s childish, and it’s the only thing keeping you sane.
Pretend to text but really just stare at their slow pace
You whip out your phone and start fake texting. In reality, you’re just keeping tabs on the human sloth ahead of you.
Maybe you even chuckle at your imaginary messages. Gotta keep up appearances.
Mutter ‘Come on, it’s not a Sunday stroll!’ under your breath
That classic under-the-breath grumble slips out: “Come on, it’s not a Sunday stroll!” You’re not talking to anyone, but your dignity demands you say something.
It’s quiet, it’s passive-aggressive, and it’s oddly therapeutic.
Attempt a bold overtake only to get stuck behind another slow walker
You spot an opening and make your move—passing the slow walker with Olympic-level determination.
But wait, plot twist! There’s another slow walker up ahead. You’ve just upgraded to the deluxe edition of slow walking.
Practice deep breathing and count to ten repeatedly
Instead of losing your cool, you take a deep breath. Inhale, exhale, pretend you’re not plotting an escape route.
You count to ten. Then ten again. By the third round, you’re ready to teach a meditation class.
Imagine you’re in a slow-motion movie scene
Suddenly, you’re the star of your own slow-motion action flick. Every step feels dramatic, every sigh is Oscar-worthy.
You even imagine a soundtrack playing in your head. If only you could fast-forward this scene.
Calculate exactly how many extra minutes they’re adding to your day
You start doing sidewalk math. “If I walk this slow for ten more minutes, I’ll miss my entire adult life.”
It’s the only time you’ve ever used math outside of school. And it’s not making you any happier.
Shift weight awkwardly from one foot to another like a dance move
You start shifting your weight from foot to foot, like you’re warming up for a flash mob.
People behind you might think you’re about to break into dance. You wish you had that kind of energy.
Start narrating their slow walk to yourself like a sports commentator
“And here comes the slow walker, folks, taking it step by step. Will they pick up the pace? The crowd waits in suspense.”
You give them a play-by-play in your head. At least someone’s having fun.
Try to look busy by pulling out fictional emails on your phone
You pretend to scroll through urgent emails. Maybe even type a few random letters for good measure.
You nod like you just solved a corporate crisis. Meanwhile, your inbox is as empty as your patience.
Envision a fast lane on the sidewalk and mentally sprint ahead
You imagine a magical fast lane opening up just for you. In your mind, you’re Usain Bolt, leaving slow walkers in your dust.
Sadly, your legs are still stuck in the real world. But hey, mental victory counts for something.
Resort to muttering colorful curse words with a forced smile
You’re just trying to get from point A to point B, but suddenly, you’re trapped behind a human glacier. Your brain is spinning faster than your feet.
You start muttering a wild mix of curse words under your breath, hoping the slowpoke ahead can’t hear you. Meanwhile, you slap on a smile that says, “I’m totally fine!” but really means, “I could win gold in the Olympic sport of silent rage.”
The words sneak out so quietly, it’s like you’re casting spells rather than complaining. You’re not looking to star in a soap opera—just trying to survive the sidewalk with your dignity intact.
Debate whether they’re secretly training for a snail marathon
At this point, you can’t help but wonder if the slow walker is part of some top-secret endurance program. Maybe they’re training for the world’s first “snail marathon,” where the only rule is to move as slowly as possible.
You picture a club of slow-motion athletes, meeting at dawn to stretch their calves and compare who took the longest to cross the street. There’s probably a trophy for “Longest Time Blocking an Entire Aisle.”
Or maybe this is all part of their master plan to build patience—yours, not theirs. You consider slipping past with a ninja-like “excuse me,” but part of you respects their commitment to the art of moving at the speed of molasses.
After all, watching paint dry is a spectator sport compared to this.
Plan your comeback story about this travesty at future coffee breaks
Ever survived the perilous journey behind a slow walker? Congratulations, you’ve earned yourself a tale for the ages.
Picture this: you, navigating the hallway, trapped in a human traffic jam. Your coffee is getting cold, your patience is running hot, and you’re beginning to question your life choices.
Set the scene for your coworkers: “There I was, stuck in the slow lane…” Make them feel the agony of each shuffled step. Bonus points for dramatic sighs and exaggerated eye rolls.
Spice it up with your imaginary escape plan. Maybe you daydreamed about launching a rocket-powered scooter or perfecting your sidewalk ninja skills. A little embellishment never hurt anyone—unless you actually tried the ninja moves.
Next time you’re trailing behind someone with the speed of a sleepy sloth, remember you’re not just waiting. You’re gathering material for your next epic coffee break story.
Your legend grows with every slow step. The office will thank you for the laughs—eventually.
