12 signs you were raised by a mom who might not have wanted to be a mom
Growing up with a mom who may not have wanted to be a mom can affect how you see yourself and relationships. You might notice feelings or behaviors that don’t quite fit the typical family story.
Recognizing these signs can help you understand your experiences and start to make peace with your past. Knowing what to look for is the first step toward healing and clarity about your upbringing.
She rarely showed affection or hugs
If your mom rarely hugged you or showed physical affection, it might suggest she struggled with expressing love. You may have felt a distance between you, not because of anything you did, but because she found it hard to be warm.
You might remember moments when you reached out for a hug and she pulled away or seemed uncomfortable. This often leaves you feeling unsure about how loved you truly were.
Sometimes, the absence of affection isn’t about not caring. It can be that your mom had her own challenges with emotions or was unsure how to connect physically.
You often felt invisible or ignored
You may have felt like your feelings and needs didn’t matter. Your mom might not have responded when you sought attention or comfort. It can feel like you were there but not really seen.
Sometimes, your achievements or struggles were overlooked. You might have learned to stay quiet to avoid being a burden. This can leave you wondering if you were ever truly important.
She spoke about motherhood with regret
You might remember your mom sharing feelings about being a mother that sounded more like complaints than joy. She could have said things like, “I didn’t really want this,” or “Motherhood isn’t what I expected.” These comments often felt heavy and hard to ignore.
Her words may have made you feel guilty or unsure if you were a burden. When she talked about motherhood, it mostly came across as something she wished she could change. This kind of regret made your own experience with her complicated.
You were expected to be ‘easy’ or ‘low maintenance’
You might have grown up sensing that your needs had to be minimal. Your mom may have expected you to require little attention or fewer demands.
This could mean she didn’t want to spend much time or energy on you. You may have felt like your feelings or desires were often dismissed or overlooked.
Being “easy” sometimes meant hiding your true emotions to avoid causing trouble. You learned to be self-sufficient early, even when you needed support.
She avoided school events and milestones
If your mom rarely showed up for your school plays, sports games, or award ceremonies, it might have been a sign she wasn’t fully engaged in the mom role. You probably learned early that these moments didn’t always bring her excitement or pride.
You may have noticed other parents there, cheering and taking photos, while your mom stayed away or made excuses. It could feel confusing or disappointing when your achievements didn’t get the usual celebration.
Sometimes she might have missed important milestones like graduations or parent-teacher meetings. These absences may have made you feel overlooked or less important in her eyes.
You heard phrases like “you’re a burden”
You might have often heard your mom say things that made you feel unwelcome or like a mistake. Phrases like “you’re a burden” can stick with you for years, shaping how you see yourself.
These words can make you question your value or worth, even though you didn’t deserve to hear them. It’s important to remember that feeling unwanted isn’t your fault.
If these phrases were common in your childhood, you might find it hard to ask for help or express your needs now. You may also feel guilt when you take up space or require attention.
She prioritized her own needs over yours
You might remember times when your feelings were put aside because your mom focused on what she wanted instead. It could have been choosing her plans over attending an important event for you.
When your needs came up, they often felt less important or secondary. You may have learned to manage on your own because support wasn’t always there.
Your experiences may include her making decisions based mostly on her happiness or comfort. This doesn’t mean she didn’t care, but her own needs were often a priority.
Your achievements were met with indifference
You worked hard and hoped for praise. Instead, your successes were often met with silence or a quick “that’s nice.” It wasn’t that your achievements were ignored on purpose, but you didn’t get the encouragement you needed.
When you shared good news, the response felt flat. You might have started to believe your wins didn’t matter. This can leave you unsure if your efforts are truly valued.
She rarely asked about your day or feelings
You might have noticed that your mom didn’t often check in on how your day went. It might have felt like she didn’t really want to know what you were thinking or feeling.
When you tried to share your experiences, her responses may have been short or distracted. This can leave you feeling like your emotions or daily life weren’t important.
Sometimes, you probably felt like you were talking to yourself because she didn’t ask follow-up questions. Without these conversations, it’s harder to build a strong emotional connection.
You learned to be self-reliant at a young age
You often had to manage things on your own because support wasn’t always available. Whether it was making your own meals or handling your homework, you figured out how to take care of yourself.
Sometimes, you might have felt like you couldn’t depend on anyone else. This pushed you to solve problems independently and trust your own judgment.
Learning to be self-reliant became a natural part of your life. Even if it wasn’t easy, it helped you build confidence in your abilities.
Emotional support was minimal or absent
You might have noticed that when you needed comfort, it was hard to find. Your feelings were often brushed aside or ignored. It’s like there wasn’t space for your emotions in your home.
You may have learned to handle tough situations alone because emotional backup rarely came. Asking for support could have felt uncomfortable or even risky. This might make you hesitate to open up now.
Sometimes, you probably felt like your struggles weren’t important. The absence of reassurance or encouragement can leave a lasting impact. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve care—it means it wasn’t part of your experience.
She avoided physical closeness or comfort
You might notice that your mom rarely hugged you or held your hand. Physical affection was often missing, even when you needed it most.
If you reached for comfort, she may have pulled away or seemed uncomfortable. This distance can make you feel like your need for closeness isn’t important.
Sometimes, she might have avoided sitting next to you or cuddling during tough times. It might have felt like she was there, but not fully present or connected in a bodily way.
